Part 2: The One that made you cry
Act II
Aboard the Jolly Roger
Captain Hook (played by Ming the Merciless), buff Smee and the crew of
16 seemingly macho pirates debate the merits of taking revenge on
Peter Pan for cutting off Hook's hand and feeding it to a crocodile
that liked the taste of the Captain so much, it follows him
endlessly, hoping for more of that bacon jerky goodness. Thankfully,
Captain Hook has now reached the ripe old age of 128 so he's tired
and likely too slow to catch Peter. It soon becomes apparent that he
has already died, so he mostly stays slumped on his golden Recline-O-Matic throne, mumbling,
lazy-eyed, until the music starts, forcing his zombie body to
reanimate for the dance numbers.
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| Play it again, Sam |
Cue tap dancing sequence....
Song - Vengeance
Hook: Don't I want to be a hero? Don't I want to be a dandy?
Pirates: YEAH!
Kurt Russel Pirate: no....
Hook: Could I have a pink umbrella?
Pirates: SURE!
blah, blah, blah .... skip to the big finish
Pirates: Nothing is sweeter than
vengeance!!!
Me: …..except for these dandy
tap-dancing pirates.
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| Life's not worth a damn, til you can say, "Hey World, I am what I am" |
If this hot guy isn't the illegitimate son of
Kurt Russell, then I'm a tranny mermaid:
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| Hot Pirate 1 Profile Captain Ron |
Neverland
First, we get to see Tiger Lily (played by Nikki Minaj) and her troupe of hot, tanned, muscular, dangerous, tribal gymnasts, wearing little more than a few leaves. I'm so happy that a strong female of color is their leader,
even though she is wearing a slashed up iridescent teal dress with cut-outs that she
stole from Donna Summer's closet at the Studio 54 Disco in 1981. They run off somewhere behind the trees.
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| It's raining men, Hallelujah! |
As soon as they are gone, The Lost Boys run in, do a dance in their laissez faire, haphazardly-fitted
school uniforms, just like the cast of a kinky Japanese Schoolboy manga. They twirl around, usually in pairs, happy in their idyllic fraternity. Just a normal day in the life of the
Lost Boys.
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| Leapfrog! |
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| Steamroller! |
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| OMG. This genre does exist! Don't google it, I warn you. |
They are oblivious to the shadowing of
each of them by a hot tribal dancer. It's about to get all West Side Story, but then... It's interrupted by the sound of canon fire boom and they
know Hook is nigh.
Song – Pirate March
Hook enters on a golden litter, carried
by the same pallbearers from his mortal funeral. Don't miss Kurt Russell Jr. on the far right end.
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| Cleopatra's Litter vs. Hook's Litter |
Song – Hook's Tango
As they search for the hideout of the Lost Boys, Hook wanders up a hill and sits on a burning mushroom top, discovering the Hobbit hole hidden underhill. They hatch a plan to make a poison cake and deliver it Trojan Horse style to the hidey hole.
So, they dance a tango! Hook and buff Smee (with rose in mouth) do the couples part. But Hook gives him a quick knee-to-the-groin.
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| Oww. Right in the mommy-daddy button! |
Since Smee is out of commission, Hook finds a new partner.
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| In pole dancing this is called: Hook the Pole with your Leg. I kid you not. |
Hook is getting tired, swaying side to side, so they pick him up.
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| This is the point where Steve-O quit watching |
But their big finish is interrupted by the arrival of the coolest ever man-in-animal-suit - The Croc!
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| Hook! Get in mah belly! |
(To be continued in Part 3....)
UPDATE:
The Kurt Russell Jr pirate is played by Broadway actor/dancer Marty Lawson
The Kurt Russell Jr pirate is played by Broadway actor/dancer Marty Lawson
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